


Summertime

by Morpheel



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Cancer, Cigarettes, Drugs, Gang Violence, Growing Up, Hospitals, Leukemia, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Punk, Sadstuck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2017-02-21
Packaged: 2018-06-10 08:56:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6949546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morpheel/pseuds/Morpheel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Coping with the news of his best friend's chronic illness wasn't exactly how John envisioned his summer to go.<br/>Neither was handling the fact it could be the very last one they share together.<br/>(Abandoned)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Not cool dude

It was 4:00 P.M. on an average Tuesday evening. The sun was filtering through the trees as John lay next to his old tire swing, phone in hand as he enjoyed the music pulsing through his headphones. The rustling branches of the trees cast sideways shadows as he nodded his head to the beat of a shitty trap song, the wild black mop on his head waving in the breeze as he felt utter tranquility wash over him. Today had been the last stressful day of his junior year of high school, and his first day of the long awaited summer vacation!

There would be sun. There would be fun. And there would be the ever exciting aspect of hanging out with his three friends throughout the break!

He sniffled a bit as the cold edge in the wind threatened to worsen his ever present running nose, trailing his green jacket sleeve over his face to magically will away his allergies as he awaited a response from his best friend on Pesterchum. He could see the little icon ever present at the bottom of the screen, knowing that his stupid shithead of a best friend could see his messages. With a sigh, John pocketed his phone as once again it became apparent that Dave was too busy with shenanigans to pay attention to him again. He wasn't at school at all that week, only messaging John diligently when it was the middle of the school day before wavering off in responses for nearly the rest of the night. Despite his insistent questioning, John only received sideways answers and topic changes.

But it was whatever, he'd try not to let it get him down too much. It was a gorgeous day, and Jade and Rose were planning on picking him up soon to go to the local mall. He turned over and rolled onto his knees, lifting himself up and stepping gracelessly around the tire swing as he had a bright smile on his face. He could see their car approaching from the distance, a tell tale green bug that belonged to Jade. It was billowing down the street at a speed that definitely violated at least three traffic laws, before coming to a sudden halt at the curb. Jade was smiling out at him with an exasperated Rose in the back seat, honking the horn loudly at John. 

"Get in, mister! We've got a movie to catch!" She exclaimed, before Rose was openly rolling her eyes in Jade's direction. "We wouldn't be having to speed if you just hurried up in getting ready, Jade." Rose belittled, only causing her to laugh and playfully knock at the thinly veiled black hat that Rose had atop her head. She caught the item before it had the chance to push aside her bangs, merely huffing in response to the gesture as John laughed and hopped his way over to the car. "Okay, okay, whatever you two! We'll make it to the movie with plenty of time since I guess Dave is going to be antisocial again and we won't have to pick him up." He mentioned, sliding into the seat and clicking the belt over his shoulder. 

Rose turned to him, applying a generous layer of lilac lipstick onto her lips as they tugged down into a frown. "I figured as much, he adamantly ignored my extension of our plans to him as well." 

Jade perked up. "Wait, really?" she asked in disbelief, before fishing her phone out and frowning as she noticed she had no response from Dave either. It was almost like she deflated a bit, tucking the item back into her overalls as she tried to stifle the disappointment. "Oh he probably just fell asleep again, considering he's been so much more tired lately." Jade mentioned, putting the car in drive and taking off like a bullet in the direction of the mall. Rose winced at the jerking motion, pulling her lipstick back away from her face before a disaster could happen. John was holding on for dear life, a huge smile overtaking his expression as he nodded in agreement. "Yeah, you're probably right! Lets not let it get us too down here, we still have all summer break to hang out and relax!" he said confidently as he watched the scenery pass by out the window. 

The sky was bright and blue with only a few clouds scattered here and there. Rose's music drifted through the speakers as John pulled his headphones down around his neck, looking at his reflection in the window. He was 17 years old, with straightened teeth and a sharper jawline than when he had as a kid. He had on a simple black T with a green jacket over his shoulders, and blue jeans on as well. He had half inch gauges in, with a stockier build that showed through his jacket quite nicely. His dad was proud of the man he was growing up to be, much more mature and reserved than his kid self. Looking over his friends, he had to admire how much each of them had grown as well.

Jade used to be such a small girl, with bright green eyes and excitement that gripped her at every moment. Now she was the tallest of their friend group, with strong arms and a thicker frame. She was wearing a pair of overalls with a black and white striped tank top under it, a furry white tail clipped to one of the belt buckles as she had in contacts instead of her glasses. She joked around openly with Rose, who had grown tall and gracefully petite in body type. She had a narrow set face with small eyes, giving an almost Cheshire appearance whenever she smiled. She was pale and gorgeous, wearing lilac makeup to add to the effect of her gothic getup. She wore a black laced rose skirt with a tank top, a thin lace veil draped over her shoulders as well. She had a bag strapped to her side, with simple light purple vans on her feet. 

John honestly was so impressed with how much all three of them had grown, not straying from each others sides for nearly 10 years despite the difference in interests. It made him happy, knowing he had not one but three other people to rely on. Well, usually three, as Dave has seemed to be ditching out of friend time more often than not. It was a topic that was usually ignored, but the man could tell it was weighing on everyone's minds. Yet for now it would remain unmentioned, brushed aside, and labeled as unimportant for now. It was only when the car was halting to a stop did John blink out of his stupor, looking around in surprise as the two girls were staring back at him. "You ready to go, John?" Jade asked, smiling knowingly as John flushed in embarrassment. "Yeah yeah, I was just spacing out was all!" His defense got him a quick laugh, before the small group was stepping out and locking up the doors tightly to the car. 

The three of them had stepped into a line as they walked, with John kicking aside a few rocks with his thick brown boots. He watched them scatter across the cement of the parking lot, before looking over to Jade as a friendly smile was on his lips. "Dude, my last final absolutely killed me. I swear I was closing my eyes and filling in the answers while hoping for the best!" he teased, Jade looking at him with a playful sympathy. "Too bad the teacher doesn't like you, since I knew I failed yet she gave me a C anyways! But it's okay, you could get all F's and your dad would probably bake you a cake congratulating you on how well you did on failing." She lowered her voice after that, taking on an exaggerated dad-ly accent. 

"Good job young Johnathan. Some men fail in their life, but you've done exceptionally well in failing better than nearly all of them. Take this delicious confection and shove it into your face hole to acknowledge your feat in man-hood. I'm so proud of you." Jade cooed, moving forward to ruffle her fingers through John's thick locks. The boy laughed in delight, trying to shove away Jade as she made it her single handed goal to mess up every single lock of hair on his head. She very nearly succeeded before Rose was bumping against Jade's side, an arm delicately winding around the girl's lower waist. "Now now, Harley. John spent hours on his hair this morning; it certainly would be a shame to mess it up, wouldn't it?" She tsked, before Jade stepped back and tried to calm down her nearly snorting laugh. 

"Yeah, a bird might want to nest in it then if I made it any more of a mess." She teased as John tried to file his hair back into the right places, sticking his tongue out slightly. "You guys are such assholes." he muttered, before stepping up onto the sidewalk leading to the entrance of the mall. He took in his surroundings and the passing people as the small group made their way past the others. He was scanning ahead when he saw a familiar shape in the distance. He squinted past his glasses, trying to figure out what it was, before his eyes widened as he realized just who he was looking at.

The man was decked out in black skinny jeans with a white low cut tank top on, a cigarette clutched between his fingers as he leaned against the walls of the mall with two other people by his side. He had a bunch of bracelets on his arms, with an undeniable red gear tattoo sleeve that stretched from his elbow to his wrist. He was talking with the others, nodding his head and adjusting his beanie while carding his fingers through his thin blonde hair. He would stop to drag from his cigarette, then laugh at something the shorter friend said. 

At first, John looked overjoyed at the sight of his friend standing there. He was actually out and about, something that was increasingly rare! But then realization set in, and his face slowly began to fall as he contemplated just what this meant. Dave had ignored their texts and calls, choosing instead to go out with these other two strangers. He didn't even offer them a real reason, merely ignoring them! John's excitement turned sour at this, and he was turning over to Jade and Rose. The two were busy talking about other things on their mind, but they quickly turned to John as he scoffed and pointed forward. "Hey, look who did decide to go to the mall after all." John stated, before Rose was glancing over to her cousin and scrunching her nose in distaste. Jade looked at Dave in confusion for a moment, before her expression hardened as the three of them paused.

"Should we go talk to him, then?" Rose inquired, passively waving her hand as John mulled it over for a moment. "Y'know what, I think we should." He said, before moving forward ahead of the other two to approach the punk group of three. As he got closer, he threw his arms up in the air and smiled, waving over at them. It attracted the attention of all of them, but for good measures John took in a deep breath and shouted Dave's name as loud as he could. "Hey, Dave! Hey! Fancy meeting you here, buddy!" He said, walking over and stopping in front of the taller male as his arms wound over his chest. At first the blonde looked taken aback, head turning in John's direction, before he seemed to wither just a bit. 

"Egbert." Dave acknowledged, nodding his head as his eyes shifted behind his aviators to land on the forms of his two friends standing there. Karkat had a scrunched up and annoyed expression, while Gamzee looked just high enough to not give a shit about quite literally anything that was happening. Finally he looked back to the form of his best friend. "Uh, what are you doing here man?" Dave supplied as a topic, before pausing as Rose was pulling up next to John with a cigarette dangling from her own lips. She took out a zippo lighter with a dark purple and black design, lighting the stick, before nodding up at Dave. "We could ask you the same thing, David. We haven't heard from you all day, and had assumed you were in bed, as you should be." She said, narrowing her eyes openly at the thin form of her friend. 

The man raised his arm and scratched at the back of his neck, nerves beginning to light up as he scrambled for an excuse. When he couldn't even find one, and the sight of Jade coming forward felt like way too much, he merely shrugged the group off with a roll of his shoulders. "I'm not that sick, the fever broke last night, Rose. Why don't you go hound some other poor unfortunate sap in need of mental dissection with your sharp as hell wits." He mentioned, flicking the ash of his cigarette on the ground as he could practically feel the nasty look Jade was giving him. His ex came up and jabbed him right in the chest with a thick finger, shaking her head in disapproval. "Oh no, you aren't getting out of this one, Mister cool kid. You were ignoring us all day, and you know it." she said, before Dave was snorting out and pushing her hand away with an annoyed expression furrowed onto his eyebrows.  
  
"Fine, okay, caught me. I was passed out with Gamzee and Karkat all day, and we decided to go to the mall when we got up. Is that a crime?" He paused, before tossing the butt of his cigarette aside, "I'm not married to you three, I don't have to always check myself in to hotel Fruity Lumpus every time I want to make plans with people other than you. So seriously, get the fuck off my back here." he said, causing Jade's expression to melt from anger into a more resigned sadness. She huffed as she took her hand back, stepping backwards to rest at John and Rose's side. "Fine, whatever. You're being as much of a dick as I remember breaking up with you over." She said, before turning around and looking back at her other friends.

"If you guys need me, I'll be inside. Take your time with Mcfucker Asshole pants." She growled, before pulling the doors open with an aggressive toss of her hand and slam. After the whole ordeal, John was just staring in disbelief at the fact that Dave had said that to Jade. He looked at the blonde, who had his head tilted down in order to avoid even accidental eye contact with the others. Rose looked disappointed, like she had expected this from Dave but hoped he'd be mature about it. The twin looks from his two closest friends had Dave's expression changing into one of guilt, then into aggression. "What, are you going to stare at me all day? I have my plans and you have yours. Just go." He harshly stated, causing Rose to drag from her cigarette and blow it directly into Dave's face. Her features showed nothing but distaste towards the man, before she was putting her half finished cigarette out on the wall before dropping it onto Dave's shoe. "I see how it is, Dave. I hope that your new friends are impressed with who you are, and that maybe you'll remember us before this summer is over." She said, before turning around and walking inside to go find Jade.

All that was left was John standing there, that very same shock on his face as he had nothing but hurt overflowing in his deep blue eyes. It took Rose going inside before John was able to find his voice again, a low murmur of, "Dude, not cool." Dave looked down at him, face scrunched up and nervous compared to the usual stoicism and occasional amused chuckles and expressions he usually carried. John had a look akin to a kicked puppy as he slowly turned around, shaking his head as he did so. "I guess we'll leave you alone. Message me if you want to talk." John offered, only turning back to Dave for a moment. He looked into those blank aviators, before lowering his head as all he could feel was a deep kind of disappointing hurt. "Or don't." 

He spun around and slowly made his way to the door, pausing at the handle, before steeling his churning stomach and opening it to step inside. He left Dave outside with his two buddies, and soon found Rose and Jade sitting in the food court with equally annoyed expressions on their faces. John really wanted to join in their bad mood circle, to talk shit about Dave until he felt better emotionally. Yet what would that get him?

He decided to set a good example and approached the table with an optimistic smile forced onto his face, clasping his hands together as he stated, "Well, who wants to get some food after that fiasco? We still have 30 minutes until the previews, and I personally have the munchies." John teased, erasing a bit of the tension in his other two friends shoulders as they nodded their agreement. "Yeah, some fries and a burger sounds like heaven right now." Jade supplied, before Rose was smiling a bit as she drummed her neatly trimmed nails along the table. "I agree with that notion, however stuffing my face with cheap pizza sounds like an even better alternative."

The three kids split up in order to get their respective food, and when they came back and began to dig into their meals, the topic of Dave didn't bubble to the surface once again despite how it weighed heavily on them. Instead the entire point of the silly conversations about teachers and tests was to forget about their friend sitting outside with obviously bad influences.

Outside, Dave let his head fall back onto the concrete wall the moment that the door closed behind John. His hands found his face as a loud groan of annoyance was escaping him. Karkat gave him a side eye, the albino boy scrunching his eyebrows together as the tension finally left his small shoulders. "Dude, the fuck was that?" He asked, before Dave just let his hands fall as he tried to harden his expression back into a completely passive manner. "Hell if I know. They just flipped shit over completely nothing." Dave defended as Karkat rolled his eyes openly. "I'm not surprised, Egbert has always been annoying as shit, and the rest of his friends are hardly any better." Karkat complained, missing the way that Dave's jaw tightened as he refused to answer that statement.

"Well, let's just get out of here before shit goes pear shaped again." Dave offered, before Karkat scoffed in amusement and went to shake Gamzee into a semi roused state. "Whatever you say, Strider." He muttered, grabbing Gamzee's hand and dragging the sluggish juggalo down the side walk. "We can go back to my place and just chill out or whatever." 

Dave offered one last glance towards the mall, before turning around and walking away with the duo. "Sounds good."


	2. Shady Shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave makes some stupid decisions and needs to call on a friend for help.

When you guys were stuffed so full you feared of bursting, the movie had only just begun it's commercials as people filed last minute into the theater. Considering just how much food Jade had actually ordered compared to the other two of you, it was a miracle that the two girls wound up waiting on you in the end. You liked to take your time with your Chinese food, but you didn't anticipate just how wound up you were with your own thoughts until the pointless chatter between the three of you had ceased for a moment. One look at the others plates compared to yours and you knew you were in trouble! You had at least half of your bowl filled full with little shrimp, a few pieces of chicken, and a heaping serving of noodles.

Jade was the first one to take her fork and plow it into the bowl. John raised an eyebrow, before he chuckled loudly as Rose followed suit and twisted her plastic fork into the noodles. "Woah, hey. Who said I wasn't going to eat that?" He teased, before Rose was patting off her mouth with a napkin to avoid smudging her lips. "Well it's simple, John. You are taking far too long to eat, and I figured you won't have any secretive spot to stow all this food into the movie theater." She paused, taking another bite as more and more of your food was disappearing in front of you. You had tried to keep up, but your friends were quickly winning the war. Blast them! 

John sighed as Rose merely smiled mischievously down at him, "Unless, ever the prankster you are, you have a secret stash hiding somewhere." She mentioned, before Jade snorted as all three of you were reminded of your affinity for hidden pockets and secret items hidden in your clothes when you were 12. You were dedicated back then, you'll give yourself that. Aspiring at best. "Hey now, lets not go for low blows here, Miss Furry." He said, before laughing at the way Jade scrunched her nose up in distaste. "Uh, excuse you? That's Yiffmaster to you." She corrected, before all three of you began to burst out into laughter. 

When it had subsided, you had tossed the last bits of your untouched food away with grief.

Oh chicken chow mien, you would always be remembered as the delicious lunch that later would blow up your insides.

All of you shifted into gear when Rose glanced at the time on her phone, and were quickly scurrying to the movie theater at the far end of the mall. With three tickets in hand, and a load of popcorn clutched in John's arms, the kids settled down to see the newest installment of the Captain America series. All three of you have been comic nuts since you were kids, so superhero movies were almost always at the top of your interest list whenever you went to the theaters.

Jade was talkative as usual in the seat between the two of you. She leaned to either side to whisper commentary into Rose's ear, before saying the exact same thing to John in hushed tones. It didn't stop people from giving her avid shooshes whenever she grew way too excited for her own good. At one point, she nearly barked out laughing, earning the entirety of your group dirty looks. Rose merely smiled in amusement at this, folding her arms neatly over her lap while John quickly hid his face behind the popcorn and pretended that Jade wasn't there. It didn't work, and Jade was pushing the teen with a harsh shove and a huff of amusement. Luckily John had a good grip on the popcorn.

When the movie concluded, John had a text from his dad stating that he should be getting home to finish up his chores soon. A similar text, albeit far less coherent, waited for Rose when she checked her notifications as well. "Aw shit guys, looks like I better bring you all home." Jade stated with a loud sigh, before flipping her curly black hair over her shoulder. "Okay, whatever. We can plan something else later!" She said, before John was smiling and nodding his head as he quickly was tossing the empty popcorn container into the trash as they made their way out of the theater. John thought about the different things they could do. "I mean, it's been getting hot lately. Maybe we can go swimming sometime this week?" he mentioned. Rose and Jade seemed to think about it for a moment, before Rose nodded her head. "We could always use my mothers pool, or go to Jade's lake." 

"Yeah! And my lake has been crystal clear lately because there hasn't been that many storms to mix up the sediment at the bottom! It's also private, so we don't have to worry about other people peeing in the water or doing god knows what in it." Jade was boasting as she continued, "And we can dry off and get free food anytime, and Bec would be able to come with too!" 

John seemed to take that in for a moment, before grinning and nodding his head. "Yeah, that sounds like a blast! And we can watch movies afterwards, and maybe even have a sleepover too." 

"I agree, lets make plans while we head over to drop John off." Rose said as they finally exited the theater and began their steady trek to the car. A strange curiosity was pulling John to maybe check if Dave was still there, despite the rational side of his brain telling him that there was no logical way he would stand outside for up to two hours. Yet he stopped to turn around anyways, looking over at the place where they wound up having a fight with him in front of the two strange kids. As expected, he didn't see Dave anywhere. It made him feel a bit forlorn, a strange somber mood settling over him as he forced himself to turn away and smile back as his friends when they called his name. "Yeah sorry! I'm coming!" he said, picking up a light jog to catch up to them. 

Dave was acting strange lately, and John made a silent vow to get to the bottom to it. 

Well, he reckoned he'd do that after his chores.

* * *

This place was a fucking mess. It was like the exact day after Christmas when all of the gifts were ripped open and there were boxes and wrapping paper in spots you never deemed possible. Toys would be littered across the room, cookie crumbs and milk staining the carpet (As well as that pesky stain of red wine that Stacy spilled while getting jiggy with the tunes. Oh Stacy you absolute riot) while a metric assload of dishes were stacked high in the sink. When would you get to them? Probably not until Easter when all of that hullabaloo would be taking place once more. Call the inlaws, Stacy, this shit's bout' to get lit. Hide the eggs for them to be getting rotten later, this Easter's gonna be the BOMB DOT FUCKIN' COM. 

Actually, it was less like a relaxing Christmas day and more like a clown shat all over the carpet and barfed up miracles in the forms of psychedelic drugs and face paint. That was Gamzee Makara's apartment, and while it was a shit hole, it was starting to feel more like home with each hit Dave would take from his monster ass bong. He and Karkat had been sharing it for a bit now, waiting for the weed inside to get cashed with each flick of the lighter. The higher they got, the better the world would seem as they watched some trashy flick from Karkat's personal collection. He didn't think he'd be able to ever appreciate 50 First Dates like this ever again, with absolutely nothing making sense in the best ways. They offered Gamzee some stuff a few times, but the dude was already on cloud nine from the green shit he kept pumping into his veins via needle.

Karkat and Dave made a mutual note to never fuck with Sopor. It was some cheap ass off-brand of Heroine that Gamzee loved, and every time Karkat tried to ween his boyfriend off of it, it would just cause the man to become overly aggressive to the point of violent outbursts until more of the cheap drug was pumped into his system. So they were content with the bong while Gamzee had his own private trip on the couch, an arm wound around Karkat's shoulders as Dave made idle chatter. "So yeah in conclusion those peeps are, or were, my best buds since I was a kid. We were tighter than a bunch of sardines in a can, closer than a bunch of squiddles plushies. But man, they didn't understand anything! Rose pretended like she could read my every thought, Jade always figured everything could be okay with some friendly banter, and John's just flat out fuckin' clueless about anything that has to do with mental health." He muttered, before blinking in surprise as suddenly the bong was in front of his face again. 

Karkat had his strange expression, eyebrows furrowed up into an ever constant grimace. "Strider, just unwind and take some you time. Stop worrying about it because chances are they'll forgive your rude ass." Karkat offered as advice, trying to brush it off an insult. Yet Dave could see the genuine concern on his face, the way that he just wanted his friend to stop worrying so much. He took the neck of the bong and let out a loud sigh, offering Karkat a knowing grin. "Yeah yeah, whatever." He said, before finally Dave was sucking down ash into the water as the last bits of the weed had burned out. He grumbled a bit and pulled back, letting out the measly hit that he took. "Shit, looks like it's cashed." He mentioned, before setting the bong down and just sitting back and enjoying the high he did manage to muster. 

Karkat only made some light sound of acknowledgement, eyes unfocused as he tried to watch the movie. Dave could quickly see he was getting distracted by Gamzee's hands on him, the way the clown was subtly sneaking his hands between Karkat's thighs. From the way the albino boy tensed up and looked over at Dave, before narrowing his eyes at Gamzee, it was easy to see that Dave was slowly starting to overstay his welcome. There wasn't any words said as Dave got up and stretched out in a long sigh, moving over to the couch and grabbing his bag as he grinned back at Karkat and Gamzee. "Hey guys, I think I better be gettin' back home and maybe do some homework. Thanks for smoking me up." He said, before Gamzee gave him a lazy smile and a one handed wave. "Alright my homeslice, have a safe trip back and all that shit." he drawled, before Karkat nodded his head in Dave's direction.

"Later, asswipe. Don't get assaulted by plush proboscis when you get back." Karkat warned, before Dave merely snorted as he was placing a cigarette into his mouth and lighting the tip. "You know I can't promise that one karkitty." He teased, before looking aside and pretending not to see the way that Karkat had tensed up and let out the smallest of noises as Gamzee's fingers were already between his legs. This wasn't the first time he had to deal with the two of them going at it like horny teenagers, but he didn't exactly feel like staying and stirring up that pot again. So he waved them off and stepped out the door, closing it behind him as he checked to be sure he had everything. Bag, cigarettes, lighter, charger, clothes. He rummaged through his pockets before finding his phone once more, letting out a sigh of relief as he was able to finally step through the dingy apartments hallways.

Being outside was like a bit of a breath of fresh air; if that fresh air was reeking with exhaust and garbage. The sun had just dipped below the horizon in brilliant hues of gold and magenta, the stars steadily peeking out from behind the clouds. He made sure to keep his eye out as he began to walk casually through the hoods of the city, stance relaxed. He wasn't a chick, or affiliated with any gang, so he figured he should be fine. Despite talking to Gamzee, he luckily hadn't managed to pick up any of that drama involving the two rival gangs of the city. He had to side eye a few people who gave him a strange look, but in the end they both wound up nodding mutually at each other. They didn't want trouble, and Dave wasn't gonna start it. 

Sometimes he wondered how this hellhole of a city got by, with everyone on edge and divided by territory. Made it hard for the neutrals to get around sometimes. One side belonging to Derse, the other side to Prospit. Skaia was the only mutual town around this side of the city, but it often was a battleground for the two territories. Sadly, Dave had to learn that the hard way one day as he was walking through the area. Lets just say you stay the fuck away from there or stay locked up tightly inside from 11-2 at night. Especially don't wear yellow or purple as it puts a target right onto your head. Dave was musing all of this over as he fumbled with his lighter in his pocket as a nervous habit. He was still quite a few blocks away from home, but something had him uneasy. It kept making him glance down at his phone, check his surroundings, before finally he decided this shit wasn't gonna fly. He felt watched, stalked, and he wanted as far from that as he could get. 

A gas station proved to be the best refuge, well lit and comfortable as he took out his phone and began to search through his contacts. 

Jade was pissed with him, Rose was too far away, and Bro was probably working his DJ shift and wouldn't have the time to drive down twice as far just to pick Dave up and bring him home. Dave sighed out loud as each of his contacts seemed like a worse and worse option. He could ask the gas station clerk if there were any buses that ran at this time, but something about the man at the counter in the black fedora and suit put Dave extremely off. He was purchasing cigars from the woman, tipping his hat towards her before placing them into his pocket. When he turned around and saw Dave his eyebrows furrowed up, yet the first thing that Dave noticed was the prominent scar running over one of his eyes. 

This guy was trouble Dave decided, stuffing a hand into his pockets as he tried to only focus on his phone. It was proving a hard task because the man just wasn't going away. He hadn't seen that splotch of black move even an inch to leave, despite having gotten what he obviously wanted. He didn't want to point it out and start trouble, but there was always a chance that trouble found him. Dave couldn't bear it anymore as he took out his phone and texted the first person he normally would in this situation.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 18:40 --

TG: yo man you busy

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] is now an idle chum! --

TG: dude thats some low shit right there

TG: the literal lowest

TG: like if i were to muster every fuckin ounce of low that was strippers everywhere would be lackin in their lap dances

TG: no low to be found here sorry girls some dude named john motherfucking egbert tapped into the universal stash and robbed that shit blind to spite one dave strider in his quest to conquest the night

TG: okay no seriously john i really need your help right now and i know youre probably watching all of this as i type it

TG: im stuck on the outskirts of skaia and theres some dude that looked like he just walked out of the 50s just staring at me with his one good eye

TG: like literally i am just leaning against the window of this gas station and he hasnt moved an inch im almost impressed

TG: this guy could work as one of those living statues that stand completely still until they spook the shit out of some poor old lady on national television

With every message that he frantically sent to John, it seemed that the guy in the suit found ever the more reason to continue glowering him down. He hasn't even said two words to the guy, let alone give him a funny look. Why'd it look like he told an offensive joke about Romanian orphanages that fell flat due to the audience, in fact, being composed of nothing but Romanian Orphans. Who woulda guessed? Alright well back on the current train of though, Dave had a feeling that if he went out now he'd be minced meat. A dude with an eye patch with a suit on usually meant business, and that was the last thing Dave wanted to get into. 

It felt like an hour for John to text back, despite it in reality only being two minutes or so. The man had moved towards the aisles again, searching through them but keeping a sharp eye out for Dave. The chime his phone signaled was like a breath of fresh air.

EB: what do you want me to do about it?

TG: thank fucking jesus tits or whatever bullshit right now

TG: my salvation has arrived

TG: normally id suck it up and walk home any other time but i swear to god this guy has to be planning something

TG: he looks like a 1950s mob boss villain only minus the cigar and over the top mustache

EB: okay and? maybe he just doesnt like your style or how you talk?

TG: no you see i havent said one word to the guy

TG: it's like i just walked in and suddenly the planets aligned in his head and he realized that he has never hated a man more in his life before he looked at me 

TG: i know you arent happy with me

TG: none of you are

TG: but i honestly do need a ride right now

TG: hes waiting on me to walk out since he had already purchased something im not stupid here

EB: i mean i still think you're being overdramatic dave! i'm the one that would have to go and drive twenty minutes just to bring you to your brothers five minutes away!

EB: cant you just talk to the store owner about kicking the guy out. i wanted to do my homework. :/ 

TG: okay

TG: let me rephrase this

 

Dave was taking a few breaths to calm himself down, rubbing the heel of his palms under the bags in his eyes. John was like, his only hope here. Jade was way too far away, Bro wouldn't even think to look at his phone when he was drunk at the club, and Gamzee and Karkat were definitely having sex by now. 

 

TG: ive walked home at like two in the morning before

TG: drunk and tired and lacking a shirt

TG: i felt completely safe but right now i dont feel safe

TG: hes acting weird right now and im concerned for my safety

TG: there okay i said it

TG: im a bit nervous about all of this and just would feel a hell of a lot better if you picked me up

TG: i can offer gas money and snacks for the inconvenience

 

It was only a moment before Dave was getting a message in reply, nearly sobbing in relief when John was confirming that he would come get him. He was almost terrified that John wouldn't actually go through with taking him home.

 

EB: fine fine whatever! just send me the address and i'm getting in my car now.

EB: and you are going to order us a large pizza when i bring you back to my dads house.

EB: and then i'm going to choke the apology right out of you so you better be prepared ;)

TG: holy shit i love you

TG: no homo

 

Dave knew there was no point in keeping the pester log open after John had stopped replying. His hand felt strange without the weight of his phone in it after he slipped it into his pocket, but he managed to pass the time by traversing the store with newfound confidence. There was a chance the guy could follow him and John back; yet Dave was certain a few more dollars in John's direction could convince him to take a few wrong turns here and there to throw off any perps behind him. He figured John would be annoyed by his paranoia; yet something was wack about this dude. Dave wasn't taking any chances, especially at his best friend's expense.

As he mulled all of the potential possibilities in his head, he was gathering up some of the most fundamental junk food sleepover snacks he could think of. Doritos, Monster, Mountain Dew, jerky sticks, and Cheetos all found their way into Dave's arms as he looked around. Any aisle the strange man was in, he avoided like the plague until they did an awkward little shuffle around and Dave could get what he needed. He dumped all of the shit onto the counter, ringing the little bell for the store clerk to come around. "One pack of Marlboro Egde." He added, pulling out a fake and altered ID that stated he was 18 instead of 17. He's had this shit since he was 14, and it worked every time. Bro had some sickass connections sometimes.

When he paid for all of his things, he spared a glance outside. No sign of John's old man car pulling around the corner, but that's cool, Dave had some more time to kill. 

He stepped outside after he adjusted his bag in his arms, placing his new carton next to the old one as he withdrew a stick from it. He was feeling particularly stressed, and the taste of smoke as he placed the tip at his lips was soothing his nerves. He sucked in a good breath, before letting it out in a deep sigh. God, his life was shit. He thought about it a lot; how much of a burden he was to Bro, how his friends were too attached to him, how the only pals who knew what was going on often times ditched him to go suck face. He had to close his eyes and take another deep drag, resting his head against the cold brick of the gas station wall. 

He let his shoulders and body slump down wordlessly, rubbing his fingers daintily over the bridge of his nose. He truly was a hopeless case. Before he got too engulfed in his own personal pity party, Dave nearly jumped out of his skin as he heard the loud honk of a horn signalling that his prince has arrived in a tacky tan chariot to whisk him away. He opened his eyes and offered a smile to the sight of his best friend waving at him with enthusiasm from the drivers side of the car, laying down on the horn as he shouted at Dave. "Come on, asshole, hurry up!" 

Dave dropped the almost finished cigarette onto the ground as he stepped over it to quickly put it out, waving at John and nodding at him when he sat himself in the passenger's seat. "Sup, Eggbutt." he greeted, only to recoil in surprise as John punched him particularly hard on the shoulder. "Save it, assbreath! My dad had an absolute riot at the thought of me coming down to this side of town to come get you!" John said, his features scrunched up in annoyance. Yet despite the obvious anger, there was anxiety behind those bright blue eyes. A deep set worry for the safety of his best friend that actually made Dave feel a bit bad.

If he hadn't ditched them earlier, he wouldn't have wound up at this side of town. 

But Dave didn't even want to face the consequences of his actions yet, merely closing the door behind him and bucking his seatbelt as he addressed John directly. "Well I'll give the old man my condolences and put up with any lecture he plans on giving me." He was very obviously trying to brush this off, his eyes averted to the side as he fiddled with the plastic bag in his hands. He couldn't say he wasn't expecting such a negative reaction from John; but what he did get startled him. "Yeah? Well it isn't just my dad you're going to be receiving a lecture from! My dad's already called your Bro to let him know you were picking up rides from Skaia, and I'm going to be maiming you alive for the shit you pulled earlier!" John was borderline yelling as he grabbed the stick shift and quickly put it into drive. He floored it after that, taking off down the near empty road towards the direction of the suburbs John lived in. No wonder why he got here so fast, it was really obvious John was speeding.

After that it was silent; eerily silent. Neither Dave nor John attempted to speak after that, with John gripping the wheel so tight Dave was concerned he'd bend it. Dave was quiet too, merely staring out the window as he rubbed his hand over the bracelets on his wrist. Every time it looked like John had something more to say, he would shut his mouth and quickly avert his eyes, glaring forward as Dave took it as a cue to look back out the window. He leaned forward with a heavy thud, a loud sigh leaving Dave's lips as he resigned himself to his face. He would have to apologize and explain why he's been so distant with John, or risk losing the trust of the one person who meant most to him. 

"...I brought Doritos." He mentioned, ignoring the way that John merely looked at him as if he were batshit insane. 

Hey, you gotta start somewhere with a conversation, right?


	3. As Good As Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can Dave properly explain the details of his condition without throwing his best friend into a panic attack and effectively shattering any chance of being treated the same ever again? Probably not.

John wasn't kidding when he said he'd be getting quite the lecture from Dadbert when he arrived. It was bad enough that it was getting to be so late; but he reeked of cigarettes and weed too? At least he was sure the old man wouldn't know what the devil's lettuce smelled like, but he still had to worry about the cloud of cigarette smoke constantly stuck wavering about his head.

He could possibly brush it off as Bro's smoking habit staining all of his clothes from now until the end of time; but he just didn't want to tip James Egbert off to the fact that he was kind of high still. He nodded his head during times he felt best, and gave a hearty "I'm sorry" whenever it was well due.

He wound up saying it a lot.

"Furthermore, I cannot even begin to resent your brother enough for the fact he refused to answer his phone the first three times I called, but when he did answer it was to the sleasy response of, "Can't talk, getting a bj." I'll be having a few words with him as well; but for now I am so disappointed in you Dave." James began, his arms crossed over his chest as his white button up was a bit disheveled and covered in flour. 

"I'm sorry Mr. Egbert. I was hanging out with friends and overstayed my welcome so I tried to walk home. I was being followed, and got scared. That's why John came." He explained, praying to all heavens that he would be able to remember what he said in the next ten seconds. Fat chance, honestly. His mind was already drifting away to the sight of John's glowering expression, his best friend's arms wound tight over his chest with knuckles white from tension. John was obviously stressed; did he really look as bad as he felt?

He had heavy bags under his eyes, and it was getting to be visible how much weight he's lost recently. He felt self conscious, like the duo could see right through him as he adjusted his bracelets on his wrist out of concern. The doctors said that it would take a miracle for his recovery at this point. He had an increasing list of ailments that his shot immune system couldn't handle. 

He snapped out of it when Dadbert let out a sigh, pinching at the bridge of his nose. "You hold a valid point, Dave. I value your safety above all else, and am glad you knew the proper way to handle the situation. But you must understand that you have not only put yourself in danger with these actions but my son as well. I will ask your brother to go easy on you after his oral escapades. But, please. Think about what your choices hold in the long run." He lowered his hand, only to occupy it with the familiar weight of his pipe.

Usually he just pinched it between his lips for the familiarity of the action; yet today he found particularly stressful. So a pinch full of tobacco was stuffed into the end, his ornate lighter burning the kindling as he took a few deep puffs. With his last puff he found himself sighing yet again. He had so much more that he wanted to say to the young man, but one look into those tired eyes proved that Dave was no doubt having a troubling time.

Not everyone was gifted with as cushy of a homelife as John. Was it any surprise Dave was going down the wrong path? For hell's sake, his brother answered the phone to the lewd statement that he was receiving head in a nightclub!

Both of the teens had remained silent during the moments that it took Dad to light his pipe, and an acknowledging nod towards John signaled that his lecture was done. "You two may go now. Absolutely no rough housing, drugs, alcohol, or anything else kids now-a-days are doing. And especially no smoking." Dad stated, pinning Dave with a knowing look as he said so. The teen shriveled down under his accusing stare, shifting his bag superstitiously. He supposed the smell was almost overpowering on him with the way that he was breathing in smoke like oxygen from how stressed he had been lately.

He had a nasty habit of chain smoking whenever life seemed to deal him an unfair hand. Lately it seemed that bad luck was almost commonplace; Bro was out more, the food was dwindling, Bro's alcohol cabinet grew bigger, half of the circuitry in the house was fried, the water had a brown tint to it, his grades had plummeted. He technically should be in summer school right now, but what was the point? He had no use for an education, for plans past the next year. Summer school would just take away from his withering hourglass. 

"Of course poppa Egbert." He acknowledged, finding his lower lip between his teeth. A nervous habit.

Only by John nudging him did he figure it was safe to move, and he turned to walk up the stairs with his best friend by his side. It felt like he was on autopilot, one leg in front of the other, until he was finally sat on John's bed. The familiar sheets were a testament against time, a living relic to the days where they all were kids and would make pillow forts and watch ghost hunters all night. He clutched the fabric beneath his fingers, the digits shaking as he didn't have the heart to meet John's glare.

The talk with Mr. Egbert was uneventful; but he was sure the upcoming fight with John would take it's toll. 

"So, at least my dad didn't maim you alive. Seriously Dave, you were shaking the entire time! What are you on right now!?" John accused, his arms crossed over his chest. "Because I know how you normally act; and you can't slip one past me." 

Dave shook his head. "I'm not on anything, I just smoked a bit of weed before I tried to walk home. Gamzee offered it for free and I wasn't going to pass that one up. That's it, I promise." 

Honestly, Dave just wanted to disappear. John was looking at him with this skeptic expression, like Dave had managed to shatter his trust in the span of merely a few weeks. Hell, maybe he had. He's been pretty caught up with living life to the fullest. John was quiet for a moment longer, before his fingers shot forward and grabbed at Dave's shades. The teen found himself flinching back at the sudden action, before he had to cover his sensitive red eyes. "Dude!" He swore as John folded them up and set them on his nightstand.

"Let me see your eyes."

"Why?" Dave's tone was getting a bit sharper. Sure, John was mad, but he didn't have to get knocked around like a pinata. 

"Because you can't lie to me without your mask. I'm tired of excuses and bullshit, Dave." John accused, pain so obvious in his own expression. It was almost pitiful how much his best friend looked like a kicked puppy. "You blew us off today because you said you were sick. You seemed just damn fine when you were hanging out with your NEW friend group." 

Silence.

"You don't get it, Egbert. They understand me. I don't feel comfortable saying what they understand quite yet- just take my word for it. I wasn't using a fake sickness as an excuse either; considering I actually do have a damned determined cold, as we speak. But some NyQuil and pain killers go a long way." 

He tried to keep a straight face, seem as unaffected as possible when he lowered his hands from his eyes. It was his specialty, burying down emotions until they fester and boil, before inevitably frothing over the sides. Yet without his shades he knew John was picking out his insecurities. He's always been too damn good at that, always so fucking caring when Dave was upset. Even now Dave could see the way John's lips were pursing in thought. "A cold? Haven't you had it since last month?" John inquired.

"Yeah."

"Why hasn't it gone away?" John arched an eyebrow at his statement.

"Immune system is shit."

"Ugh, of course! I'm not surprised, what with your heavy smoking and pot usage!" 

Dave crinkled his nose up, feeling a wave of annoyance roll through him. "Actually, it's because Bro doesn't fucking feed me. Mold is in the apartment. I'm sure the water is fucking me over too." he listed all of the reasons he could conjure at the top of his head. They were all as empty as the bottle of jack in his bag. He knew the real reason his immune system was shit. 

"Well how about I just call DCFS on his ass and call it a day, huh? Would that make you better? Would that have you stop making excuses to the people who care about you most in your life?" In light of how serious that statement was, Dave didn't even think John was kidding. He was absolutely livid right now. 

"No-I. Bro's fine, okay? His boyfriend just dumped his ass and he isn't taking it well right now; not to mention mom's death is coming up." Dave's face fell a bit more, wringing his hands together. "You know how Bro gets around this time. He knew her a hell of a lot better than I did." He paused.

"I just wish we had money. We're both hungry, he's always stressed, and watching him make an absolute shitstorm of himself with a bottle of Smirnoff is getting old." 

Perhaps he shouldn't be unloading ALL of his baggage for John to see, but he supposed if Egbert wanted answers then god damn he would get some. By the way his pal had cast his gaze to the side, Dave knew he had made a point. He decided to keep going with it. "I'm sure Bro would love to take me to a doctor or some shit, but in the end it's just a cold. He doesn't have money for a cold, not when I can tough it out."

Doctors. God has he had enough of doctors in the 17 years he's been alive. The needles, the poking, the surgeries. He hated the fact he was just used to it at this point. "So that's why I've had this cold for a month. Not because you think weed or cigarettes are gonna magically kill me." 

He tried to joke around with John, offering him a slight grin that slipped right off when he saw John's sympathetic expression. The anger was almost completely smothered at this point, replaced with an empty sadness in the depths of his eyes. He looked like a husk. "Dave.." he started, only to get cut off with a sharp wave from the aforementioned teen. "This isn't the first time me and Bro had our shit to burden. Don't worry about me too much okay? I'm not looking for pity, I'm just trying to give you answers."

Any remnants of his high were long gone now. It was replaced by a somber drowsiness, a deep ache in his chest as his emotions tried to rule out which was the strongest. Was it his anger? His anxiety? Perhaps sadness was pulling through in their race to the finish. 

It seemed like the two had entered a stalemate. Neither looked up, and the silence stretched on until John finally just rubbed his hand over his face. He looked close to tears, with his anger burning out into something much more depressing. Both of them had a lot to burden lately; Dave felt bad that he would be the one to absolutely shatter John's good spirits today. Dave silently supposed he did that with ditching John before.

"I just. What happened to you, Dave?" 

The question threw Dave for a loop. What happened to him? He wasn't fucking dead yet, but here John was acting like he was already six feet under and mourning what could have happened? It almost pissed him off, even. He was fucking dying, but he wasn't dead yet. "The hell do you mean, what happened to me? I'm still Dave, aren't I? Same name under my birth certificate, same dude you've known since ass-early in our lives."

John's nose scrunched up as he had to pluck his glasses from his face, wiping them idly off with shaking motions. If he was gonna cry, what was the point of keeping them on anyways? Everything was already blurry as it was. "You've changed, Dave. I dunno when it became noticeable, but you've changed into a dude I really don't remember."

Dave was about to open his mouth again, but was instead cut off with John lifting his hand in an open palm. The gesture baffled him, before John's shaky voice trembled in emotion. "You used to be so close to us. But then you started to smoke, and we dealt with it, y'know? Rose did it too. But then you snuck a damn bottle of alcohol into my birthday before, and got shit faced while all of us had to watch. Like, for one, that was so insensitive to Rose too. She already had to deal with her mom drinking, but here you are offering everyone alcohol we didn't even want while we had to keep you quiet so my dad didn't find out?? Literally that was so shitty."

"And then you started to offer to hang out less, and we had to invite you along instead of you ever hosting. Eventually you flat out started rejecting that too! You just...disappeared from our lives, Dave. And you come back like this?" John motioned to the outfit that Dave was wearing, to the gauges in his ears, to the piercings over him. "What- what happened to the dorky dude who would make stupid white raps and preserve dead things? What happened to the guy who would take ironic selfies of selfies and post it on your blog? Do you even HAVE that blog anymore? Do you even pick up a pen and draw Sbahj anymore?" 

Dave could only sit in absolute silence as John began to slowly pick apart his personality, piece by piece beginning from the start. Age 13. He felt the knot in his throat building as John's voice cracked more than it stayed smooth. "No." He answered, plain and simple. Nothing had held passion anymore, nothing had a reason. His blog lay long abandoned on the archives of some obscure website, Sbahj comics long deleted from his hard drive. He knew the reason why, and only he and Bro did.

John let that sink in, before he lowered his head. "Can you see what I'm saying. You don't...feel like the same Dave I knew a long time ago. I know people are supposed to change over time, but I never expected you of all people would try and slide out of my life?" He asked, John's shaking voice lacing it as more of a question than a statement. Dave already knew what his best friend wanted from him, but he didn't want to face it.

He didn't want to face the reality he had only a few months left to live. 

But it was right there, snarling it's ugly teeth at him right over John's pained, broken expression. The truths hes been trying to hide, the reality he was given. The Dave Strider John knew was as good as dead, and John already knew this. Hell, John was literally talking like he was already dead. And that hurt Dave way more than he had ever wanted to admit. 

"I know." He said, attempting to try and figure out just what to say after that. John was looking at him like he wanted some salvation, some closure that Dave didn't know he had the heart to bring. He didn't even know if he wanted John even knowing. He would be perfectly fine with Bro making up lies; that he killed himself, that he was caught in a gang war, that he was found murdered in a back alley. He was sure his poor bro would respect his last wishes, too. 

But this was JOHN. His best friend, the closest person he's ever had. Someone he should have told a long time ago, someone who he knew would need some form of closure. He couldn't handle Dave just dropping off the face of the planet like he was destined to do. John cared about him so fucking much it hurt, knowing he would have to say goodbye when his shit immune system finally caught up with him, when his body was using far too much energy to spread the virus running through his veins.

But no, it was far worse than a virus. At least that you had a chance to help, a chance to heal and to fight. 

He was destined to slowly wilt away when he came out of remission. The doctors didn't believe it, and neither did he for the longest time. He was still Dave, he was going to live, he was only twelve fucking years old. He had so much life ahead of him!

At thirteen, he found Bro breaking down in his room, a bottle in his hand as he mourned a brother that wasn't even dead yet.

At thirteen, he looked up the chances of surviving Leukemia.

At thirteen, he realized he shouldn't have been so sick for so long. 

At thirteen, he knew he wasn't Dave Strider.

At thirteen, he knew Dave Strider was as good as dead.

Dave didn't even realize that tears were spilling down his cheek until a soft hand was brushing them away. He felt warm arms winding around him, holding him close in an anchor that he so desperately needed. John was always his anchor, the one thing that would keep him feeling even semi steady in his shitty ass life. And here he was, causing the one good thing to cry over him, to mourn him far earlier than he ever should have. 

He decided what he needed to do.

"I know I'm not the same as I used to be, that I've been pushing you and Jade and Rose away. That I've melded myself into some bullshit example of why you shouldn't do drugs, kiddo. I'm a literal walking example of a failure, something that you show to a group of impressionable little kids to tell em that THIS could be you, if you have pre-marital sex or some bullshit like that." he laughed, despite himself. It was a broken and hollow sound.

"I'm tellin' you, John. If I could go back and change everything, I would have. I tried shit I shouldn't have, I did things I regretted, and all to live life to it's absolute fucking fullest. Every day was like a clock, ticking slowly down to the day I would inevitably fucking die. I had to live, but I didn't even fucking know what I was living for?" It was hard to explain, only made harder by the way that he could hear John's little wet sobs joining his own.

He caused John so much grief. Dave could hear it in the way his best fucking friend spoke, the way his voice trembled as he so desperately asked, "Dave...Are you depressed?"

"Yes."

"Have you been depressed for a long time?"  
  
"Yup."

"Have you felt depressed since you were 13."

"Affirmative. All the way up until now, too."

John's face looked so grief stricken; it made Dave feel bad for the way his own was like stone. No emotion, no tone, nothing save for the fact that his tears just kept rolling.

"Do you want to kill yourself Dave?" he asked, despite being scared of the answer. 

Kill himself? John thought he wanted to kill himself? Hah, that couldn't have been so much fucking farther than the truth. He was depressed because he was destined to die, he was destined to have the most precious thing ripped right out of his hands. He wouldn't grow old, he wouldn't have a family or friends or get his dream job he's always wanted. No, he'd be destined to fucking die after his bullshit timer finally ran out. 

"I don't want to die." he said, honestly. It was like the walls were slowly closing in on him, suffocating him in a way Dave never thought possible. Like the universe was weighing down on his shoulders, like time was narrowing in on this one moment. This had to be the moment, he had to tell John. It was what he needed, what he knew John deserved to know.

John's train of thought seemed to halt on the tracks, the sudden mood shift catching him by surprise. Dave was staring at him with an intensity, a determination in those tired red eyes. He almost didn't want to speak to break the trance but they were getting no where. It was silence. Crushing, suffocating silence.

"I'm glad you don't want to die," he started, seeing if Dave's expression would budge at all. But it didn't, not even and inch. So he kept going, "Maybe we can get you help then? You can tell Bro and-"

He was cut off.

"Chemotherapy wasn't enough help for me, apparently. Neither were the pills, or the bone marrow transplants. You see, the thing 'bout Chronic Myeloid Leukemia, is that after a certain period it gets to be a bitch to treat. Blast phase, and all that, haha." 

There you go, Dave. Way to sucker punch your best friend right across the damn jaw. Why not put it in any more subtle of a way? Nah man, couldn't get any more subtle than that. He was the KING of subtly. 

John could only sit, his face such an empty slate as he attempted to process what he had heard. Chemotherapy, pills, bone marrow transplants, and Leukemia were all that he could hear. It was like a constant echo in his head as he stared at his best friend.

His best friend, the one who he had the closest bond with since they were kids. The best friend who he had been through thick and thin with. The best friend who he had never strayed far from for their entire life. The best friend who had been on a self destructive path. The best friend who drank his sorrows away and spit out sad tunes from his turntables.The best friend who eventually stopped making music and photography all together.

The best friend that had alienated himself from his peers. The best friend whose grades suddenly dropped, who lost all interest in the classes that once made him happy. The best friend who had endured a shitty life in a shitty apartment with a shitty excuse of an alcoholic brother.

The best friend that John had admired so much, had once looked up to as the pinnacle of his own brand of dorky cool. The best friend who was always there for his troubles and woes. The best friend who would do literally anything for him and his friends, if it meant that they would be happy.

John was just looking at his best friend who was dying. 


	4. No.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rendered in disbelief by the news he had just received, John Egbert attempts to sort out his scattered emotions to the news of his best friend's impending death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this isn't dead? Surprisingly.  
> I've been trying a new writing method that basically involves shortening the chapter length in order to post quicker. I've been doing pretty damn good as a result of it!

It seemed that in that moment everything around the two teenagers had stopped, the world quieting down as if trying to listen in on their conversation. It was the calm before the storm, the few precious moments that marked the point where things would never be the same. Dave had Leukemia. Dave has been sick for a very long time. Dave was slowly dying from a failed immune system and John was watching him waste away right before his eyes.

All at once everything became too loud. His blood was pounding in his ears, the beat of his heart a frantic tempo, and a disgusting wet sound was choking it's way through his throat. He was crying; and it was not just a simple sob. He was practically convulsing with the way he had to wrap his arms around himself. John watched as Dave's form grew blurry with tears, before next thing he knew he was being held by shaking arms. 

"No." He cried out, his voice raising in volume as the single word seemed to compromise half of his vocabulary. "No no no no no! This isn't f-fucking funny Dave!" John said, his hands curling into fists as he pounded at the other's chest. They were weak blows. Anything more, and John feared he would break a bone in the other's overly skinny frame. 

A pause, before Dave's hold on his shirt increased tenfold. "What, you think I'm saying this for shits and giggles? You think it's easy for a guy to sit down on his best friend's bed and tell him that he ain't going to be here next year?" Dave asked, only stopping when John's wailing grew to a fevered pitch. 

The commotion seemed to attract unwanted attention, because Mr. Egbert was sticking his head into the door with a baffled expression on his face. "John?" He asked softly, before the youngest Egbert was whipping around to glare at his dad.

"Get out!" He screamed, catching James by surprise if the way his eyebrows scrunched up was any indication. He tried to open his mouth again, no doubt about to begin a lecture, before slowly closing it as he seemed to realize the gravity of the situation for now.

He had a stern scowl on his face from John's tone, but respected his son's wishes. "Alright, John. I implore you to use a more respectful tone next time. I will be back to talk with you later." 

With that, James closed the door behind him as he went back downstairs to no doubt blow off steam. In all of the years that Dave's known John, he had never seen him grow that aggressive with his dad. Sure there was the petty squabble here and there, a few minor disagreements. But never...that. That was a side of John that Dave didn't know about, and it only made the blonde feel even worse. He was really bringing out the worst in everyone, wasn't he?

In all of the excitement, Dave could only think to rest his hand weakly on John's back as the other turned around to resume sobbing into his chest. It was a pitiful display. 

He didn't know how long they remained like that, with his hand smoothing over the wrinkles in John's shirt as the boy sobbed tears and snot onto his favorite tank top. It felt like hours. Yet in reality, it couldn't have been more than a few minutes.

The entire time John was making these gross choking noises, mucus and flem building up from the force of his tears. It was hard to breathe, let alone find the words that John so desperately wanted to say. They were there, a jumbled mess in his brain that refused to coherently form. He wanted to say them so badly, the feeling strangling him. It was like he could feel the winding gears of Dave's life ticking down to his final moments. 

Yet every time John opened his mouth into Dave's tank top, all that came out was a sickly wailing noise. He paused, took a few deep breaths, before trying again. "I-" a coughing fit took John by surprise, his throat clogged up no matter how much he tried to hack and swallow. He felt disgusting. 

No matter what he tried to say, no matter how it was coagulating in his head, he couldn't force out anything more than a few syllables. After that, it seemed his coughing fit kicked right back up again. It was a cruel and seemingly endless cycle. He blearily wondered if it was his asthma that was acting up again- but John couldn't be sure. It had felt like he was suffocating from the moment Dave first started holding him. 

God, how had he not noticed how skinny Dave was? How pale and weak he seemed?

It wasn't fair. 

"John." A voice cut through his sobs, causing the other to blink through the tears in bewilderment. He stared up at the face of the one person who understood him best, and tried to fight the way it watered and melted around the edges. 

He wanted to reply back, but once again his throat was wound tighter than a spring. He swallowed dryly, able to manage a brief nod to let Dave know that he was listening. Dave, frankly, looked awkward about this whole ordeal. Had he really accepted his own death enough that he couldn't even shed another tear at his own mortality? 

"Egbert. Just try to take a few deep breaths for me, and count to ten." he said, before watching the pitiful way John was rubbing at his eyes. They were already bloodshot from crying. "Alright, count with me here, man. And remember to breathe. One, two, three.." 

Dave began to count, watching as John's mouth opened and closed like a fish for a moment. He took a breath, before managing to get to three. After that, he just couldn't bear it any longer. He broke down as another wave of realization reached him. Dave was going to fucking die. Dave wouldn't be able to be his best man at the wedding. He wouldn't be there to complain about college and share a dorm like they planned. He wasn't going to be making music and movies and photography like he always had dreamed of doing.

He was going to be in a fucking box six feet under because his body was too shot to handle something as simple as a fucking cold. 

It seemed that no matter what Dave did, John couldn't pull himself back up out of this grief. He rubbed John's shoulders, tried so desperately to wipe away his tears as they fell. He smoothed back his black locks, patted his back, anything he knew that calmed John down in the past. It hurt watching his best bro break down over him like this, like there was nothing he could do. He was the cause of the problem- how could you just fix something like that?

He supposed the most he could do was...try to get John to accept it, like he did. He accepted it so long ago that the thought of even shedding one more tear over his death was deemed pointless and stupid. Why cry over the inevitable, over spilled milk? 

Besides, Striders don't cry.

That lesson had been drilled into his head since he was just a kid; whether it was from a small scrape at the park or one of Dave's first heartbreaks. Bro had always laid his hand on his shoulder and told him that with a big grin on his face. It made him feel better, tougher.

But it was a different story when a 13 year old Dave was rubbing the same brother's back as he dry heaved into a toilet, tears rolling down his cheeks as the stench of alcohol burned Dave's nose. No matter how many times he tried to say it, Bro just held on tight, refusing to let go. 

Shit- now Dave was crying again too. He was holding onto John, both of them unable to keep the tears at bay. "C-C'mon, dude. Please stop crying." Dave pleaded, even though even he couldn't contain himself either. It was pathetic, what he knew he's been reduced to.

"Please..." It was like a last whisper, John's hold only growing stronger the more Dave's voice cracked. 

It seemed like the two were at a stalemate, with John's throat too tight to speak and Dave's silence nearly deafening. Yet, at the drop of a pin, Dave felt John's fingers burying into the front of his tank top. "Why," Was the first thing he had heard, Dave turning his head to look at the broken expression John wore.

"Why do you just expect me to not be hurt over this? How can you sit here and- and ask me to stop crying!" It was a bit of a jab towards Dave, yet John was in no position to be producing coherent thoughts. "You keep saying to stop crying, to just get over it- when was the last time you've seen me cry Dave? When have I ever been a crybaby?" he asked, the first string of words he was able to put together. It was much easier to be angry than sad.

Silence. All Dave could fucking manage was more of that choking, lingering silence.

"Seriously- give me one fucking example. I didn't cry when I broke my leg in gym, I didn't cry when I burned myself on the stove to the point I needed a graft. I didn't cry when my lizard was eaten by Rose's cat, or when Vriska broke up with me," He said, before wiping away the tears aggressively off of his face. "What- was it when nana died? Nope! Didn't even cry then! I don't fucking cry. I literally don't. But if you're going to look at my face, and tell me to not cry over my best friend's death?"

He was startled by the scared expression that Dave wore. He didn't even realize how loud he got, until he noticed Dave flinching back away from him. That was all it took for John's shoulders to slowly slump down, realizing that he was sitting here yelling at his best friend over his own impending death. The realization slammed him like a ton of fucking bricks, and he was burying his face into his hands once again. "Fuck- I...I'm sorry, dude." He tried to defend, throat ridiculously tight. 

It was quiet again, before Dave was steadily trying to settle his pounding heart. His breathing had turned erratic, the beginnings of a panic attack dragging him into a defensive state. John was a hell of a lot scarier than he was when he was 13. He was broad, he was tall, and he actually had fucking weight on him compared to the twig that Dave was. One wrong move and John could probably snap him over his knee.

Not that he would- but try explaining that rationally to a panic attack. Hell, he'd fucking punch himself too, if he had to deal with his own bullshit. He was so distracted with living life to the fullest that he abandoned the only people who ACTUALLY mattered to his pointless fucking life. Gamzee and Karkat were cool, but nobody was John. Nobody was Jade. Nobody was Rose.

 Finally, he was reaching forward again, placing a hand tentatively onto John's shoulders. It was the most soothing gesture he could think to provide, even though the storm of thoughts buffering his conscious. "It's cool, man. Just kinda scared me was all." he said, before pulling back as John was finally able to pull himself out of his hands. What do you say next in a situation like that?

Should he keep talking about it? Should he just..change the subject? There was no way to ignore something as huge as this, but no way to keep discussing it without it seeming...wrong. Extremely fucking wrong. Like he was just casually going to ask for a detailed list of everything that had fucked up in Dave's life until this point. You can't just discuss something as terrifying as your own mortality- why would he put Dave through that?

More silence.

Finally, Dave was leaning against John's headboard, giving him a side glance. "I can tell you're thinking over there dude. It's okay, whatever it is you can just lay on me. I won't hold back in answering." he said. Even with the invitation it still felt wrong- but John had too many questions to let an opportunity like this pass.

"Okay, so...how long do the doctors say you have until you-" He had to stop, throat tightening at the mere implication of Dave dying. He had to reword it for his own goddamn sake. "Before it gets bad." 

Without even batting an eye, Dave was answering with, "They don't think I'll make it to Christmas." 

That had struck a hole deep into John's chest. Left a gaping, burning hole that settled all the way to a knot into his stomach. He felt sick. Dave wasn't going to make it to his own goddamn birthday? "No- that can't be right. Right?" he said, clearly in denial as Dave's face turned down into a grim frown. It didn't even need an answer- because John was soon laughing quietly under his breath.

"Haha, wow, okay. That...That's an answer alright." he said, barely even noticing as the room began to get blurry. Tears were slipping down his cheeks as this horrible, bitter fucking laugh just kept leaving him. Had he intended on laughing this long? Nope. It wasn't funny. For once in his life, nothing was fucking funny, and there was nothing he could do to change that. At least with Rose and Jade he could put the focus onto something else and get everyone happy again.

You can't just do that with cancer. 

Dave was looking at him like he was crazy. Fuck it, he may as well be, because in the next moment that laugh was breaking down into another round of disgusting sobs. He didn't want to wake up and smell the roses. If anything, he wanted to wake up and find that everything that happened today was just a dream. He'd do anything to just wake up at the beginning of the day again to a blaring alarm clock, getting through the last day of school, and never have to learn that the only guy he was close to was going to die during Christmastime. 

He wanted to pinch himself, slap himself, jump out of a window and hope that he woke up when he hit the ground. That Dave would be throwing papers at him in class and shaking him out of a bad dream before he started drooling in class.

But that wasn't going to happen.

He was sliding himself by Dave's side again, the noises leaving him absolutely pathetic as it mixed between a choked cry and breathless chuckle. He could tell that being close to Dave right now was kinda awkward. Wouldn't you be awkward if your best friend just started to crack up when you admitted that you were going to die on Christmas? Hell, that's a one way ticket to awkward city. 

Yet he was winding an arm around Dave anyways, cracking his head against the headboard with one last desperate laugh. Everything wasn't okay, and nothing could make it better. Maybe he should take note on what Dave does to cope? He didn't want to feel this anymore.

"Hey Dave," He began, staring blankly at the ceiling as tears trailed down the curves of his smile. 

He didn't get a response for a moment, Dave tense and nervous under John's arm. Did his best friend just have a god damn mental break? Whatever this was, he didn't like it, but wasn't about to pull out from under his arm. After a moment of realizing John wasn't going to continue his train of thought, he decided to give him a little nudge. 

"Yeah man?" he asked, nervous about the response. 

"Do you have any more alcohol on you?"


End file.
